we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
