Whod you bang
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
