i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
