Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
