this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
