i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
