I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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