You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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