my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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