Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize