i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize