Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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