My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
