Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
