My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
This house was built for laser tag.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
