guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
