I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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