Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
