i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
