i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
