She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
This beer is not sobering me up at all
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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