He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
