my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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