so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
