So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
