Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Im part way to drunk.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
