Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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