She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
