I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
