i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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