At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
