They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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