My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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