1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm too high and old for this...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
