so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
