Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
