Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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