3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize