I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
