I'm eating all of the evidence.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
