Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
