somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
