my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
