It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
