lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
