I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
