So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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