ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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