the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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