He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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