I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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