dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He passed out mid-signature
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize