I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
