i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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