Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Too much gin, very little bucket
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
