When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Randomize