i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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