I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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