i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
