i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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