Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
