Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You are the jesus of drinking
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
